“Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed.” – Michael Pritchard
Lost in thoughts, sitting just beside the edge of terrace, I see pink hue with deep blue strokes in sky, stars haven’t left yet, it’s breaking dawn & the world is deep asleep. There is this absolute silence, where birds are happily chittering.
Solitude seems magical to me, but few find it fearsome, being alone in total silence, with self terrifies people. We always want someone to hold on to, because as said or believed, we are social beings, who normally and mostly despise the rules set by this very society, but still stick to follow them, which it believes to be the only right. We literally never retrospect, that somewhere there was this chance of evolution, freedom of self, while coming out of the established belief system, where we would have lived by our own actual beliefs and experiences rather than few set beliefs and would have been much more happier, fulfilling, blooming, much more enriched and satiated.
When I think about society, the one very powerful emotion comes with it, is fear, yeah right fear, which is instilled indirectly, slowly, drop by drop, by different means in to us since childhood, without realising its ripple effects with time.
Society decided similar timeline for each of us, what to be done, when to be done, how to be done, this is success, this is failure, who is successful, who is loser, that person is complete, that one is incomplete, it decided similar labels as per their right for genetically different individuals which seems preposterous. It never talked about the variations ought to happen in these timelines of different individuals, they just named those variations as aberrations and magnified it so much, giving rise to ultimate weapon of destruction of self called Fear.
We never questioned that rulebook, majority of us just accepted, we never ever tried to contemplate, introspect the shortcomings of such rules in long run of this whole life. Limits can be defined but repeatedly vocalising consequences of limit-crossing or rule not followed instills fear unknowingly. Fear constricts the whole personality of an individual, not letting the real one out, which is more vibrant, more about truth, the more of actual self, whose originality is its actual beauty.
Fear slows down the basic inner & outer growth, it makes a person an overthinker, it creates self doubt, it basically dims the very original shine of yours and you start radiating a light which is entirely different from the real & original colour of yours, it creates a confusion within yourself and people you are with.
We now don’t even understand why our inner self wants something different from this outer self. We just don’t believe that there is constant quest for happiness, contentment which is different for both inner & outer self, just because of this fear, this very social fear, we started creating boundaries. We started behaving differently with different individuals, As society engraved specific grading system in our minds, tit for tat, classifications on basis of every attributes possible, this much is allowed, this is not, following designated limits in every aspect of life and people in it, which made us so distant from each other mentally or psychologically, emotionally if not physically.
We believed that our such resolution will solve our problems and those associated fears but how much emptiness we created within, because of it, can only be seen and felt by our own self, which we all want to fill up with immense love, kindness, affection, joys but we are unable to do same, out of set limitations. And now we are juggling between the original and acquired personalities.
We never realised that fear is a very extreme emotion which can cause mayhem in life just by sitting in subconscious. It just need to exist in a corner and it will slowly imbibe every other emotion within it, giving rise to entirely new set of emotions which might be capable of causing alot more difficult equations more difficult to solve without help at times. It results in certain features and characteristics which are very discomforting for self and people you are interacting with, because somehow you unable to show your real self which only knows the language of love, compassion and kindness.
To a greater extent I find this fear responsible for fluctuations in a personality and behaviour when it interacts with others, which over a period of time develop into psychological issues if not attended, because you just try to enclose yourself within a self created space so tightly and strictly that it becomes suffocating. Positive emotions are meant to flow, they are harmless.
I feel so strange when there is no boundary and limit or fear for criticism, it can be incorporated as much as one want, it can flow freely in name of constructive criticism, but there are boundaries, fear, defined limit, restriction for appreciation, affection, love whom and how much you can show, No one can cross the limit or behave out of the social rulebook or social demands. Why this duality?
We all have an idea, how fear in love makes a person insecure, suspicious, Fear to love create a reclusive, constricted personality, Fear in success creates confusion, low self-esteem and depression, Fear in happiness creates anxiety, Fear of reforms brings anger, Fear of expression or to express cause mental irritation, Fear simply is a big road block for every beautiful positive emotions.
it is basically opposite of love, and now we all are on auto mode and our whole life and behaviour is now governed by this negative emotion without even a conscious try. And people call it as…this is my personality, but deep down you all know what reality is, what is real you, what actually you love, what actually you want to do, what you want to express, but we are constantly cheating ourselves, but for what?
Where is that benefit of this fear? You are still in search of that ecstatic love, happiness, and contentment. If it was real you, with the qualities you born with, without even a tinge of colour of anything from society, you would have been amazingly contented and insanely happy without even a reason and people around you would have been peaceful, less complaining and more satisfied. But are they ? I think answer is No.
And whole credit goes to Fear, instilled by this rigid society, which despises even a minor change, it keeps on reinforcing the same ideas and rules to live and express life. It chose the right way as per it’s own convenience and kept it on loop till it became the part of our belief system and got deeply engraved within our minds and thinking process. A permanent groove I guess. Now we all are more of machines those are programmed to live as per coding of society.
Most of us have lost or forgot our real self, as we say in science, the muscles which are less used or not used get atrophied, likewise our qualities to show love, appreciation and affection freely is getting atrophied. Everyone now is too selective for people. As they are so selective, they even don’t know the real you because this society has coded you to show this type of selective love towards others. We are unable to find closure, relief within, have mood swings, feel incomplete and crave for something satiating which can calm this mind, soul and can bring immense peace and contentment.
But as far as soul is concerned, it’s like an ocean which knows no limits, barriers, but fear is a gift from mortals for prohibition. Soul just wants to flow freely with all beautiful, soothing emotions and wants to get lost in it, to become more enriched, fulfilled and complete.
So how do you overcome this fear? Someone very wise provided me with this beautiful composition of Khalil Gibran about Fear that even “river needs to take risk of entering the vast ocean, because then only fear will disappear, because thats where river will know, it’s not about disappearing into the ocean but of becoming the ocean.”
So I want you to ask yourself… what are you willing to do to overcome your fear? “As thinking will not overcome fear but action will.” 🍀
Neither family, nor privilege, nor wealth, nor anything but love can light that beacon which a soul must steer by when he sets out to live a better life !
Its the time of dawn now, i woke up with the song of Sugar & Brownies set as my alarm tone, all about love, perfect lyrics for an imperfect understanding of an emotion, ringing in my ear, on repeat mode. I poured hot water in my cup with a raspberry teabag and slipped into my favorite wine red pullover and walked over warm wooden veneered floor towards the large windows, extending all along the length of the wall with timber panes, i pulled curtains to sides and sat on the couch kept neatly by the window. As berry tea trickled down my throat, i got engulfed by its comforting warmth and beauty of winter scattered around me.
I saw outside the window, there was a thick layer of snow all over the ground from last night snowfall, white, crystalline, fluffy snow perfectly spread in between the numerous pine trees in the garden, sky still greyish pink waiting to welcome the sun. It was an extraordinary & magical landscape one can ever want to witness, pure elixir for eyes, i was totally spellbound and within no time i was just so in love with that moment, that scenic beauty, that time of day, that warmth of red berry tea.
Love…but why I felt love? why not any other emotions when this world is full of variety of emoticons? why love? what is this love, people keep using it in conversations? For nature ? what about it? what is this idea of love? why is it so special? how it comes everywhere by itself without any conscious try?
I started brainstorming while sitting against a heartwarming landscape, i so wanted to know about this emotion now, in true sense i was mesmerized by it for all my life. I closed my eyes for a while and i was in flood of thoughts… running in marathon with numerous people, relationships, social platforms, materialistic luxuries, just trying to be best in everything and with everyone, there is no time for introspection or retrospection, i m just so engrossed in doing everything perfectly as per social requirements & norms of success. This is what we call living life happily ? Isn ‘t it ?
I then realised that, this is the main reason behind my questions & curiosity about love. When we are unaware of weak and incomplete foundation of life, building a great, fulfilled life will be the most confusing task, we never know why everything keeps falling apart.
So i decided to read about everything where this emotion got a mention.. in any literature, it became a routine to read more and more and more, which in return uncovered the various aspects of it, in simple words i discovered my meaning of LOVE.
Love…when you just say this word, you feel it instantly without any efforts, i was surprised to feel that ! anyone can try that, close your eyes, silent your mind, now say the word & see the magic !! That’s why love is special 🙂 It’s effortless !
Love doesn’t follow a specific, predecided or fixed path, it is a sort of energy field around each one of us, which indicates we are the source of it. And it can be only felt, when we are in synchrony with our inner-self, without inteference from judgements by mind and intellect, only when we are in our pure consciousness not the bodily one, where we possess a name, or a position. I realized love is infinite, beyond the sands of time, beyond the wrinkles of age, beyond the strata of social relationships, beyond the physical bonding, beyond physical attributes of a person, & definitely far beyond the feud of mind and intellect.
The vague idea of love introduced by generations to us since the beginning of our journey seems to be absurd now, when i discovered that love is felt through soul..your inner self in a flash of any moment, anytime not by age, face & physique. Understanding and then self visualization of various beautiful colours of love gave me… what actually is idea of real love.
I realized its the ultimate driving force to live enriched life, its just not limited to family, spouses, children and friends..it never meant to be in this confines of society, age, race, creed, class and country.
And when I brought my wandering awareness under my control by my conscious efforts…I felt it… in those sparkling eyes of a four year old who sweetly cupped my chin with his tiny hands, when I was busy looking at his teeth. In those repeated questions of a 5 year old who everytime after appointment asked about my favourite dish, which he can bring for me to eat !
In the words of a eighty year old who blessed me by resting his hand over my head as his pain was just reduced with mere consultation. In the hands of a sixty year old, when she caresses my cheeks with so much affection after painless procedure. In that one call of my Ex-Dean & Director, when he asks about my well being every year without fail !
In the eyes of an acquaintance who listens & eventually remember the minute details of random conversations, who choose to inspire without even knowing me for long, In his humourous punches, hilarious statements over a unique random call, In a simple thank you note of an acquaintance turned friend, who radiate absolute purity & innocence in smiles, eyes & words which brought awareness in this soul unknowingly, In the messages of bestie when she says you are the best ever thing happened to me, you are my angel in this life❤️ !
Every moment I experienced these unknown, unseen, untouched colours of love, individual was not from regular, society defined relation, these were soul to soul connection which just happened in the snap of the moment, Somehow both the souls didn’t tried to control the source within, hence it was an uninterrupted Love Field, naturally intermingling with each other and feeling was ethereal and mutual.
I realised every soul who crossed my path helped me to grow in entirely different manner, and that growth was never same with any other soul, every soul has its different form or colour of love, a role to play, every soul meant to bring a different quality in me, which I never suspected that I have.
But for all that to experience we all need to experiment like I did … just let your guards down for few moments, open up any blocked path within your mind, don’t be judgemental about anything or anyone, don’t be concerned about other’s opinions, Don’t reduce that immense love field within you, Feel the energy of being love, magnify your Love Field and let it go and meet with different colours of it, let there be infinite exchange of love till we all are alive and trust me you will have everything you ever wanted in this life.
What else is more important than pure love between every soul …Love that brings pure, exquisite happiness ❤️❤️. Don’t we all are craving & working hard for the same ?
I don’t remember the glimpses of my dad’s smiles when I was born..I guess it was one of the most beautiful … My young daddy was little afraid to hold little me in his hands , when I was born,was having few fears about this society,this world and for me of course..
Mommy just whispered to him.. “Dear you know daughters care and love their daddy the most”
His fears started fading away slowly when he got his first promotion in his work just after few days of my birth..he developed a belief for me as his lucky charm in life.. slowly I too grew up as a disciplined daughter..
I remember my daily duty of seeing off him for work..waiting for horn of his jeep to open gates for him..trying making new dishes for him,waited to have dinner with him, supporting daddy in every little argument happened between mommy &him…in reality I was a true pet of my loving daddy..
He was no different buying me the costliest dress for my birthdays, asking me, a merely four-year old girl about her views in buying car and time when he should go for our home construction… When I think now I feel so confused, but he was always clear..I don’t know how he can trust such a little consultant 😉
During years of my stay away from home, there was never a day he missed his call,every a day I got a call from him just to know that I had food,if I am all ok. I realised what is the real love all about, whenever my voice shook during his call he somehow every time caught that I wasn’t well,or I am facing some kinda problem. He is still a overprotective daddy, and I truly understand his concerns now.
There were days when I started making decisions for my life, there were times I was really wrong about certain choices of mine in terms of person, but somehow my dad’s instinct never got wrong,In those times he never doubted my decisions but supported and showed his love immensely so that I was able to differentiate about the actual meaning of care and relations.
One fine morning I heard the conversation between daddy and mommy they were worried for the most unavoidable moment of a girl’s life..exactly Marriage !! I felt heavy-headed, they were discussing the various prospects, of course like all worrying moms ..mine was too interested in Marriage agenda, but my daddy wasn’t… He didn’t wanted me to go away leaving him alone, he didn’t ever mentioned it but he avoided every possible proposals away from our house, He wasn’t very sure whether any of these guys can keep me like he did all his life ?
He was facing emotional turmoil at all moments but never uttered a word,but as we say a daughter has to leave her own house one day..the day came for me too…
When I was sitting as a bride, all glowing with various ornaments ,with my groom where everyone was coming wishing me luck for the new life , My eyes got stuck at two faces who were filled with satisfaction, but the sadness in their eyes is still unforgettable for me, who were smiling welcoming everyone but deep down so dull that I was feeling that dullness inside me at every passing minute, Everyone was so eager to pose with the new couple from my new family ,but mommy and daddy showing no hurry patiently waiting, I was able to see the sadness that trickled of their faces ,I was able to feel the pain inside me, enormous anxiety,and the parting fear was rising..
Somehow I tried sitting still,and decorated a smile on my face with all other jewels that night, people say it’s the auspicious day for a girl, but a girl can only feel the hurricanes of emotions going on inside, Rituals make them more stronger…and for the first time being a cry baby I didn’t cried at all …I was leaving everything behind my family,my naughty Lil bro, my all time support my Big B, my little princess, my home everything , the most important I left was a part of myself, I was transformed completely during all that Rituals of weddings that night.
I left my first admirer Mommy..left my first love of life My daddy my hero ,my ideal in life, left my free-spirited careless smiles…
I left my home..but during my last step downstairs I turned hugged daddy and made a promise inside my heart that , only a strong,disciplined girl of yours is going …not your daughter , I will be there forever for you anytime you need …
I will be home before you will know…I know you gonna miss me and will never let me know because you don’t want to make things difficult for me…But you know Daddu I learned to love from you, and love makes things easy as it did when you first saw me giggling in your lap, your apprehensions were gone.. Just remember…
I am your daughter forever…it doesn’t matter how far I am…my best is always with you…
Outside my wooden cottage.. the grass was spread like a green velvety carpet…several tulips, cherry blossoms moving pleasantly in cold breeze, sun was not as bright as usual, instead the rays were comforting my skin cells.
From even this far i can admire the beauty of melting snow at distant mountain chains. it was a beautiful day, nature was so welcoming, so engulfing, that there was nothing left to think about, other than its widespread beauty.
Standing in the small balcony of my wooden cottage i was lost in my beautiful world admiring everything about this life, remembering few glimpses of a dream last night..
In this world everyone is having their own chosen people..or i should say friends more correctly, or life partners, relatives…numerous names and words for all those people we have in our life.
But did we ever think about to whom we are connected so deeply? is there anyone who accepts you as you are every time? who is happy all the time with your every move, who doesn’t want to change even the smallest thing in you, who will enjoy those beautiful fantasies with you, that you ever dreamt as a kid,.. and at times can make them possible in present, irrespective of the age..
Who will love to be your “friend” rather than any other designation, who can motivate you for your good, betterment in life, who can cheer you with a smile or jokes anytime,
if there is that one special person who enjoys your company more than or above anything else…
I was totally blank in this hurricane of thoughts brought about by a friend, who is with me every time, everywhere, silently following me..telling me about the beauty of nature, giving his views in every situation, helping me to see a better, beautiful world every time.
I realized he was with me since long, but sometimes I ignore him, I don’t want to listen, because i have learned life in a socially accepted way, he doesn’t push me to change my thoughts, but silently follows to see and then makes me realize what his ways were, and every time they were more comfortable for me or more specifically they were all about reaching to my happiness.
This friend keeps on admiring me, lecturing me about life and I love to hear his ways of living life..he asks about my busy life complicated with gadgets, social media, about not loving the work I do, just for the sake of few pennies I m letting off so many of my little joys and smiles.
I realized he was correct. We all live life in compulsion, in each stage of it..we just forget to spread love and smiles in the air, we live for others, for others happiness, there is someone else always..someone, somehow every time..
He asks..where are you in your life? your smile, where is it?
He showed me my picture..as a kid happily roaming in a green forest smiling, playing with grass, swirling my layered peach dress in air..watching blue sky.. smiling towards my mom…
He asked again looking at the young girl in picture…Where is she..?